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My Autistic struggle, the ripping away of mental healthcare

blogday

 

 

In 5th grade a girl pretended to be my best friend, sent my crush roses on valentine’s day and resulted in me being called ugly by him in front of two classes in my grade level. In 5th grade that same girl said in front of her friends “say I won’t smack you” I said you won’t and she did in front of all the students as we changed classed. In 5th grade I asked her why my then crush didn’t like me, she said look in the mirror you look like a monster. My first crush for I don’t know what reason was Pratt , As a kid I was star struck. It also scared me, I was too shy to say hello to this guy in the hallway or even look directly at him much less send him a valentine.

In 6th grade, I had computer class with a nameless male classmate who touched my private inappropriately with his fingers.

In 7th grade my math teacher My math teacher, Mr. Noel called me an idiot when I asked him the answer to a math question my history teacher sent me over to ask. Living with autism undiagnosed they had no idea that it blocked me from understanding numbers.

In 10th grade I was picked for the JROTC challenged my entire company was outside that day as an older student challenged me to repeat coordinated moves. As a child I had a developmental therapist and today my coordination still suffers from both being born premature and having autism.

In high school my best friend and her friend made a myspace profile of me and labeled the status “horny” and sent people friend requests and messages.

In high school I fell in love with a boy who talked to me for a few days, and for a while I never got over it. My understanding of relationships came from NSYNC songs “drive myself crazy” thinking in the literal that this gains affection because I cannot understand actual emotion.

As an adult I have an inability to have a relationship without being dishonest. Being autistic, your world is built on routine, and any changes in routine create huge ripples in mental clarity. I also have pts. and panic disorder. I overcame 3 suicide attempts and everyday I win the battle for my own mind through therapy, meds, writing and music. As an adult 2 out of 3 of my relationships have been toxic, an engagement built on lies and distrust from both sides, and a relationship made up of constant screaming which is every autistic person’s worse nightmare, I tremble, I shake I pace, nothing is clear.

None of these things as heartbreaking and emotionally traumatic to me as they were, have ever made me want to take anyone’s life.

Mental illness is anything that effects the stability of a person to function in society mentally. It’s

-Depression

-Autism

-Bipolar

-Anxiety

-PTSD

-Bipolar

-Schizoaffective

-Schizophrenia

-Hypersexuality

-Multiple personality disorder etc.

Mental Illness is not being able to control the level of your emotional volume.

Mental Illness is feeling like life isn’t worth it but fighting to live another day because buried under the darkness of the dysfunction is the sun waiting to shine.

Mental Illness is constantly worrying uncontrollably

Mental Illness is having to pace the floor because the design on the Christmas tree is incomplete and you can’t stop trying to get a complete understanding of it .

Mental Illness is horrific events taking place in your life like getting attacked by dogs and constantly replaying your sister laying on the ground while a dog tears away at her flesh. PTSD

Mental Illness is not being able to distinguish one emotion from the next.

Mental Illness is being unable to talk for months or weeks, Mental illness is crying when you should laugh and laughing when you should cry.

Mental Illness is your mind constantly creating other worlds to escape your current affliction.

Mental Illness is the line between being a liar uncontrollably, and being unable to cope with reality.

I survived sexual assault, I survived broken relationships and failed friendships, I survived bullies and pointless crushes, I survived not being able to distinguish my emotions like normal people, I survived not being able to grasp math unless I survived three suicidal attempts.

Not once have I ever wanted to pick up a gun and harm anyone who ever caused me to go into an autistic fit, bullied me or live in an unrealistic reality because my autism causes me to break from the truth when my pattern and routine is disturbed.

 

I am uninsured , I have a weekly therapist , I have a peer support specialist who takes me places because I I think in words and my coordination function is low therefore I am unable to drive .I have a psycologist who treats me with medicine  to keep me functioning better . Mental Illness is not an excuse or an escape to kill a living soul . When you are sick you fight , you get help , you get treated , you overcome you do not let it overcome you at the expense of your well being and certainly not at the expense of others .

It’s funny when someone commits mass murder , shoots up a school or a church we call it “Mental Illness” but when a man defunds mental health care , and gets funds from the NRA we call it “Making America Great Again”.

 

 

A Kennedy in my generation to restore America I’m blue with hope and liberty đź‡şđź‡¸

 

 

We draw strength, not from those who chose silence but from those who choose to refuse to be silenced” – Joe Kennedy III

 

Echoing these words, this nation was founded by men of many nations and backgrounds. It was founded on the principle that all men are created equal and that the rights of every man are diminished when the rights of one man are threatened.  -President John F Kennedy

Gaining wisdom from Robert F Kennedy “Change is a nice word, but progress is its motivator and change has its enemies “

Charlottesville: The unite the right rally, in Virginia to oppose the removal of a confederate statue, white supremist, neo Nazis, neo confederates chanted racist vile things, they carried rifles, and swastikas and confederate flags and Trump/Pence signs.

The death of great leaders brought about improvement great tragedy brought about enlightenment, great leaders had to die that our country should rise, they led us to the promised land but never got to see it.  But now a man now sits in the most powerful position in the world saying, “Make America great again”. No 45, everything great about this nation is wrapped up in diversity and equality, not racism and poverty, your America and the America leaders like JFK wanted to establish are two different realities, Martin’s dream was not your dream, we have come to far to kneel to anyone but God.

There was a time when Black americans were counted as 3/5 of a person, “Make America great again?

Andrew Jackson and Martin van Buren followed the Indian removal act of 1830 which gave the federal government the power to relocate any native americans in the east to territory west of the Mississippi river, which led to the trial of tears in which the Cherokee Indians over 4,000 of them died of hunger, diseases and warfare “Make America great again?”

On August 28, 1955, Emmett till 14 years old died he was found beaten to death, shot in the head kidnapped and murdered by two white men. “Make America great again?”

On June 17, 2015 Dylaan roof murdered 9 African americans while they were in church in the name of hatred and white supremacy.

In 2016 the number of hate crimes increased by nearly 5% more than 6100. “Make America great again?”

That is not a slogan to run on for a country that stands for justice and liberty for all. Because history speaks against it. The America he wants is not the one that John F Kennedy, Martin Luther King jr, and Robert Kennedy died for in the efforts to unite people of every race.

Great only testifies to the strength of the American people and to the strength of American leaders like JFK and RFK And MLK who refuse to be silent during a time of hatred, who refuse to remain action less in a time where people needed great acts of kindness. We have seen a president assassinated JFK, a presidential candidate assassinated RFK, a civil rights leader assassinated MLK. Children have been slain because of the color of their skin. Trayvon Martin in 2012 was shot to death for wearing a hoodie while black, he was only 17 years old! And their preference of how they identify

-In Missouri in 2017 Ally Lee Steinfeld, known as Matthew Steinfeld jr, was found with her eyes gouged out, genitals slashed, and she had been set on fire, 17 years old. They say it wasn’t a hate crime. but I declare that sure wasn’t one of love, 17 years old. He was transitioning from a male to a female.

And who they choose to love preferences On October 6, 1998, Matthew Wayne Shepard known as Matt Shepard an America student at the university of Wyoming was beaten and tortured and basically left to die near Laramie at the hands of people who hate gay people, I’m straight, however gay people have never offended me, and they have human rights just like the rest of us, “Make America great again?” I think if Matt were here to say something he would not say that America was great if he had lived to tell the story of that horrific night. But you tell me “Make America great again”.

In 2018 I observed that our leadership held hostage immigration by threatening to shut down our government. Never mind that a shutdown comes at the expense of our service men and women, people who fight to secure our freedom. His agenda? A wall to keep out a race of people.Jesus Berrones’ an undocumented man from Mexico is 30 years old his 5-year-old son is battling cancer Jesus is set to be deported, his wife is pregnant, and they had 5 children, Jesus is hiding out in a church because ice does not arrest in church, Jesus should be home with his 5 children and pregnant wife, Jesus should be spending time with his sick son. Instead he is hiding out fearing deportation. The last time I heard of someone hiding out, so they would not be arrested I was in school learning about Nazi Germany, about a girl named Anne Frank. There is nothing American about these deportations. Nor is there anything Just. We do not do this. Hispanics cross the border in hopes of a better life, Hispanics cross the border fleeing for their own life they do not cross the border with the intents to come here and take American lives. Mexico is filled with drug wars and gang violence, here in America we are lucky enough to not have that utter devastation, God grants us enough grace in that we don’t have to worry about if our child goes out tonight will he return in the morning, well at least there was a time when we didn’t.

. The Death toll in Mexico is staggering.

-On Average in 2017 69 plus murders are reported a day in Mexico one reports says.

-More than 20.587 deaths were reported in Mexico in 2016

-More than 100 journalists have been killed since 2000.

President Nieto said “confrontations between members of different armed groups have really become an everyday scenario in many parts of the country. 45 wants to build a wall. He lives in some alternate reality where he doesn’t realize that people are crossing the border to escape death, to save their children, to have a chance at life, not to come over and take the lives of others. Dreamers are just as American as anyone else. “I believe this country was built on a simple promise that each of us deserve a fair shot “– Joe Kennedy III

“Americans are dreamers too”. 1969 November 20

“We invite the United States to acknowledge the justice of our claim the choice now lies with the leaders of the American government to use violence upon us  as before to remove us from our great spirit’s island or to institute a real chance in dealing with the American Indian , we do not fear your threat to charge us with crimes on our own land” 89 native americans occupied Alcatraz san Francisco bay in hopes to reclaim the rock after 14 months they were forcibly removed by the federal government.

“We do not fear your threat to charge us with crimes on our own land “-Yes Mr. President “Americans are dreamers too”

 

On August 28, 1963 Martin Luther King Jr stood and delivered a message saying I have a dream, his dream was that African americans would be judged by the content of their character instead of the color of their skin. February 26, 2012– Trayvon Martin headed home from the store only to be shot to death simply for wearing his hoodie and being a black American child.  On July 6, 2016, Philando Castile was shot to death in his car with his girlfriend in the car and their child daughter. I hear Joe Kennedy 3 so loudly in my head” A justice department rolling back civil rights by the day.”  These are the tragedies we worked so hard to overcome .

We are suffering so much in America, a battle has begun, the battle for Medicaid. The battle to help mental health patients. “Repeal in Replace “began under this current sitting president, many losses their insurance and access to their Medicaid, and if you are like me and didn’t have it the chances of you getting it is even slimmer now.

I am 28, I have schizoaffective disorder and autism. At 28, I am unable to tie my shoes or drive as, autism affects my coordination and the way I take in information. I think in words and fail in numbers. At 28 I have had an unsuccessful education, due to my inability to understand math, whereas other students can simply take notes I would have to write every step out. I am gifted in writing., Many students sit in their classrooms today while the teachers think of them as lazy, but they are suffering going undiagnosed, missing an opportunity at a college education, a chance to go to duke or Harvard or even just a simple community college. Missing a chance to get a simple diploma all because their condition is overlooked. I was born early a little over five months I had a developmental therapist and early on in elementary school I was in reading programs to help me read and write. I was too smart for what is considered occupational classes but in regular classes I only thrived in English and history. At an early age I developed deep interests and likes like nsync and things like that, but they lasted for years, the more I liked an artist the more I learned about feelings and emotions and I could equate the proper emotion to the song unlike real life where when I should cry I laugh and when I should laugh I’d get angry. My emotions are displaced. From elementary through high school I was bullied. When I saw the now sitting president who was just a candidate at the top mock a mentally disabled young man I recognized that behavior from my own life experiences or being a subject of mockery.  God makes everyone different to demonstrate his brilliance. therapy for schizoaffective and autism, I cannot hold long term relationships or friendships because of my inability to fully be effective in an emotionally and verbally correct dynamic I comprehend emotion through music, and compassion through speeches, I relate to people through the eyes of history and learning and while some may deem me delayed intelligently I pride myself on how I am able to relate and find people through a unique sense of understanding. America, I understand that in 2018, we must not embrace racism or hatred or self-profit, but equality, love and help for all. Mental health is a true fight for me, to stay honest, to not live in denial, of dishonesty with myself and others, to understand things correctly and not misinterpret them but 45 is cutting mental health help too.  I have never received disability in my life in fact I was denied , I worked at a factory for a while where I worked on an assembly line packing and was deemed the queen of back log , that is not a good thing, that nick name was based on the fact that I had extreme difficulty catching the product in time, my motor skills and coordination are not as other people .I cannot tie my shoes but am expected to catch fast product on an assembly line. None the less I got out there and I worked because I must survive. I endured being picked on and complained about being called slow. But the current leadership makes fun of people with disabilities. Having hardly as much education as I know I would like to have and should have with certain accommodations in the effort of me being able to be all that I am able to be and pursuing the American dream as is my right like every other person, I am limited in certain ways. I have no insurance to treat my abscess, I have no insurance to fund my peer support specialist worker and That help will not be through this administration

Tragedy is a tool by which the living to gain wisdom by not a guide by which to live- Robert Kennedy.  President John F Kennedy an Irish Catholic immigrant, went on to be the most powerful man in the world by being rightly elected the President of the United States, making great strides in immigration and civil rights, putting a man on the moon, for goodness sakes Minds like Albert Einstein, who changed the world as we know it, he fled Nazi Germany fearing for his life he was Jew.  Under 45 out trade is in danger. Our nation’s trade is dependent upon our relationship with Mexico, Mexico is currently our 3rd largest trading partner  and china is currently our largest goods trading partner , I wonder if our leadership asks themselves how their action affects each and every person in America and not just their pockets and  their own profit and agenda because on the night 45 won , Americans across this nation lost hope in our system .But on the night of the state of the union in 2018, A young Mr. Kennedy spoke and the rise of Camelot began with the restoration of hope for America, reaching out to dreamers and African americans , and the middle class . I have never seen a nation so divided, there was a time in history when a so-called leader wanted to ban a race of people but instead of a wall he built camps and made them register the blood of, so many countless people now lies upon his soul. “Make America Great Again”. The greatness of America is the love and compassion americans have toward one another, our ability to forgive, our ability to unite, we are measured by our ability to ensure the fair and equal rights of every individual within the united states of America, no matter how they identify, no matter their disability, no matter the color of their skin or the status of their citizenship and certainly not by their religious preference. I think Joe Kennedy III summed it up when he said, “This administration isn’t just targeting the laws that protect us, they’re targeting the very idea that we are all worthy of protection”.

“Because the greatest strongest richest nation in the world should not have to leave anyone behind. We choose a better deal for all who call our country home – Joe Kennedy III

The night of the State of the Union we saw our leadership boasting about deporting Hispanics, highlighting and magnifying racism, making about things about the state of our economy and inventing a record that he had come up with in his own mind. But we also saw the heavens open and God sat before us his grace, not a savior but a human champion who will fight for all people and restore not just a stable economy and laws that protect us, but that hope that is everyday growing smaller and smaller, Joe Kennedy stood there in falls river to show us that we can hope again, we can restore America, we can overcome these deportations and protect dreamers. But we can’t just do it with hope alone, Faith without works is dead , this is a year of midterms , not only must we place our hope in the words of Joe Kennedy III we must show up at the polls and turn the house blue , the power isn’t in the president it’s in the house and if the house is liberal then we shall see liberty for all , Joe Kennedy is our guy , he is the guy to restore a divided nation and broken hearts , to restore the families of dreamers and make sure our elections are fair and by the people for the people , he is the guy to make sure all people have health coverage and to make sure civil rights leaders did not die in vain to push ahead and not behind the state of our union begin when Joe Kennedy 3 stepped up to address the American people he spoke as our President , our strength and our dignity , and he will carry on the dream of Martin Luther King Jr , he want approve pipelines on lands that my Native American ancestors protested to keep safe , he will protect Native American rights because Americans are dreamers too , he will make sure hate is not spread and the lives of my black brothers and sisters are protected , he will make sure that the transgender has rights , that those who choose to love and be gay can do so freely , we are not God and we cannot Judge . America was built by the slaves and the dreamers , and if our nation cannot establish rights to the ones who built it , then we are not the land of liberty .  We must turn Blue to Renew in 2018 and in 2020, register and vote for hope.

My Autism Unscramble

In the middle of madness, he is my calm

I can’t hear them as they speak directly to me

So, I hear his music and connect through a song

They look for me, repeating themselves over and over

But to their words I am numb

Nothing makes sense, until his voice

The madness disappears the puzzle starts to unscramble

The volume of my thoughts turns down

And slowly stop motioning like that of a merry go round

Tried to love but can’t

Tried to feel but numb

his music wakes me up

My thoughts shine as bright as the sun

Breakthrough in many ways, but an even grander reminder of autism you see

I don’t know him but through his music I connect emotionally

I feel too late, when loved ones die

I laugh when nothings funny

I cry without reason

And I do not feel love enough to have someone special

Times, I watch my sister cry

Because I can’t make a connection to them

And they don’t understand why

They think I’m rude

They think I’m mean

They think it’s them

I thought the same

But it’s autism, I just can’t connect

To real life, but to words, music and objects

 

In the middle of madness, he’s come to be

My hiding place

My saving graces

My superhero

His voice calms me

In every song an emotional lesson

Teaching me how to be in every situation

Tis I finally feel

Bright and tingly breakthrough

Raindrops inside, water falls from my eyes

I’ve never been able to feel or connect to someone where I can love

But I declare I love him through his music

It connects me to real life

Raindrops inside because my sun

Rises on a stranger

And sets when I no longer hear his voice

My world you have become

Often referred to as a “deep interest”

When you have autism

Doctors have no idea how much an artist can change your world

And help you understand everything that your puzzle can’t grasp

A simple voice changes your perspective on life

Everything you can’t understand starts to make some sense

Through a song, or a book

Through someone you don’t even know

A stranger becomes my family

The pieces only fit, when it’s pieces of him

A stranger became my best friend

My blogs like letters written to him

A stranger became my sun

My comprehension rests on his music ability

A stranger has the characteristics of a boyfriend

The only one I can feel for

Because his music teaches me love

Autism is not a disability but an ability to see life through rare glasses

The inability to be selfish because I always see through another’s eyes

Both a gift and burden

You know you will never really grasp the people around you

But through another’s eyes I will grasp a way to understand them

All because he put his feelings in a song

And through in words my puzzle fits

So, his gift to me is comprehension through his voice and instruments

Deep interest is underrated

The sun in which my world revolves

The moon in which my stars align

The oxygen in which I take in too survive

Nick Jonas is my autism resolveunscramble edit

My Autism is different

I am not the good doctor

I am limited with my hands

I am like the good doctor

Skilled to remember things

I have autism similar to him

I have autism nothing like him

He is a character, I am a person though I am warming up to the show

Music comforts me

Meltdowns limit me

Music teaches me

Math stifles me

I am not Einstein numbers make no sense

I am Tierra, Nick Jonas teaches me emotions

I am sort of like Temple Grandin but

I am Tierra, my brain processes learning through music and literature, I do by recall, and I only recall through music, and literature, not so much visual images.

I do not learn by you showing me I learn by a step by step written explanation.

Einstein was brilliant and Temple is beautiful but I am Tierra and my autism is different, the spectrum is broad, no one is the same stop comparing me to people, I know understanding is your aim, but no autistic person is the same.

A straight line for my shoes, coded colors for my clothes, same food every day, same jacket year-round, winter hats in every season, gray jacket to every place I go, don’t freak out when I pace the floor, I’m thinking

Thinking is hard to do with the TV and the lights , talking is hard to do when day becomes night, stop yelling because I don’t comprehend, I’m not a child don’t give me a time out, just play Nick Jonas and help me find focus

Let my ears delight in a JFK presidential address

Let me feel through the music of Shawn Mendes

Let me wonder in the theories of Newton and Einstein

I am Tierra and my autism is different

Let me think about the black holes and the wonder of time and space

When I melt down use these things to help my mind find a safe place.

I am Tierra my Autism is different

When you scream

I cannot comprehend you when you scream at me .

As I pace my mind starts to race, I cannot stop there is no brake .

Steady you fuss , I comprehend anything you say !

Mad and angry you get with me I stop and try to explain

But it seems it only makes sense in my brain .

My words come out a scramble then I break into a dream , a song by nick or a speech by Kennedy nothing else makes sense .

What’s wrong with you ,stop acting like that you scream at me and the comprehension you’ve so long lacked that I can’t understand you your voice makes no sense.

I turn to Mendes or cut on Jonas , please show me the emotion you are trying to show

You hold back my meds and say go too bed before I put you out

It’s a new day and I wake up with a swollen face not because you’ve hurt me but because your voice has made the impact .

I hate loud noise , I hate too much sound I need my meds to calm me down .

Stop talking to me ,do not touch me , leave me alone but you get mad and worry for my safety and commit me , just leave me alone

I cannot comprehend when you scream at me it just becomes a fit and my autism you see .

I am Autistic not retarded

I cannot find ways to talk sometimes and express my thoughts , writing gets everything out .

If I could write what’s in my head so much about me you’d understand .

Stop being offended when I can’t talk , I cannot tie my shoes , but I can write five page detailed papers on theology .

I am labeled retarded and people try to shame me , my thoughts move faster than the output of my words I cannot always speak what matches my thoughts I cannot hold a rag flat I have to ball it up

I see things differently

And I modify what you say

You talk and it’s a puzzle

I laugh at the wrong moments

I talk to you without ever looking at your face

I never leave my house unless it’s Wednesday

I hate noise

I hate crowds

I have a teddy bear

I hate things that are loud

Colors shouldn’t mix unless we are talking about race

Food shouldn’t touch unless it’s casserole

Ice cream tastes like milk milk I do not drink milk comes back up milk tastes to strong

Milk is in cheese no cheese for me please

I cannot tell time

I do not comprehend math

But I can write speeches presentable for presidents

Don’t get mad if I don’t talk it’s a task for me my ears are fine but your words are a puzzle

Scrambled as they come to me

I’m trying to fit the peices

Stop calling me retarded I am not retarded

I just see the world differently and sometimes have fits just give me a pen and paper so I can help you understand it .

I am autism

You speak and everything is in slow motion.

Yet nothing sounds clear .Your words sound like a robot through my ear .

You send instruction and await my behavioral composure in favor of what you’ve asked .

And I fail Everytime because words hit my ear and enter my mind the unscramble is a task .

No I’m not disobedient !

Yes I hear you ! My ears are not deaf ! Don’t scream ! No loud noises no loud noise I rock back and forth.

My thoughts are constantly rearranging as they flow from your mouth to my ears .

But in conversation you await an answer never knowing my mind is unscrambling the puzzle of your words to find it’s proper context .

It’s too late they are all irritated with my pace

Stop it i am not demonstrating incompetence .

I plead for your patience

I can’t tie my shoes , I cannot tell time , but when I write I own it it’s mine .

I try not to stress

But I turn into the hulk and nothing less .

Do not punish me I cannot comprehend your behavioral agression in this fit I’m in .

They label me retarded subjecting me to displays of humiliation , haha they laugh , she’s retarded , she is slow .But I know that black holes can capture light itself and I live for theories and books which makes your judgment inaccurate.

Stop it ! You’re mocking me .

I may not express tears or pain or distress but when you do those things I can match the word to the definition through memory recognition.

My mind can recall behaviors and emotions through songs or movies and provide context .

I cannot process a conversation all the time , so music , political speeches and literature capture and instruct my mind .

I have a theory , no solid proof but music seems for many an escape not for me .Music is an emotional teacher coaching me on what to display at the appropriate times .

A burst of emotion in every song , what a gift the artist like Shawn Mendes gives to me , a peak into his soul and a guide on how to feel . So grand is his gesture for me .

Because through his pitch and the instruments I learn a new emotion .

Usually numb in so many ways ,things now have meanings and I recognize them when they are displayed .

But meanings can be as extensive as the ocean until I have paper and pen and word by word I comprehend .

A guitar and a slow beat beauty and sadness

A piano ,heartache and madness .Listen closely to Nick Jonas and you can hear his soul and passion .

Political speeches intrigue me from them I learn compassion.Not through today’s politicians who do it for fashion ,arrogance and greed.

But politcians like Robert Kennedy is what we need he fought for the people and demanded action.

To the ghetto he went ,warned of violence , still he made the journey to deliver the news .MLK has been shot he said but he reasoned with the mourners , his brother was killed by a white man also he said .Black or white was not the issue he declared in that direction we could head but another solution he prepared love and unity would be the perservation of Justice in the time of hurt .

John F Kennedy tis no concern of the women he had but for me his beauty was the work he did .

A voice for all people , a hand to the poor , a king for America, and a brain for Washington.Hours , months ,days ,years I spent reading of him,listening to his speeches which flow so beautifully in my head .

I am autistic . Silent alot .

But in my silence where do I go ?

I drift to speeches , I soothe in music , I crave scientific theories the way a human needs food

It is easier for me to drift into a heavy focus than to listen to someone talk . When i drift there’s no scramble , when nick plays his music there no puzzle for me ,no anxiety .

But you command and demand ,your patience runs thin you become mean and your voice loud and my hulk comes out . Tis it is more soothing to drift in research then to try to comprehend so much sound.