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My Autism Unscramble

In the middle of madness, he is my calm

I can’t hear them as they speak directly to me

So, I hear his music and connect through a song

They look for me, repeating themselves over and over

But to their words I am numb

Nothing makes sense, until his voice

The madness disappears the puzzle starts to unscramble

The volume of my thoughts turns down

And slowly stop motioning like that of a merry go round

Tried to love but can’t

Tried to feel but numb

his music wakes me up

My thoughts shine as bright as the sun

Breakthrough in many ways, but an even grander reminder of autism you see

I don’t know him but through his music I connect emotionally

I feel too late, when loved ones die

I laugh when nothings funny

I cry without reason

And I do not feel love enough to have someone special

Times, I watch my sister cry

Because I can’t make a connection to them

And they don’t understand why

They think I’m rude

They think I’m mean

They think it’s them

I thought the same

But it’s autism, I just can’t connect

To real life, but to words, music and objects


In the middle of madness, he’s come to be

My hiding place

My saving graces

My superhero

His voice calms me

In every song an emotional lesson

Teaching me how to be in every situation

Tis I finally feel

Bright and tingly breakthrough

Raindrops inside, water falls from my eyes

I’ve never been able to feel or connect to someone where I can love

But I declare I love him through his music

It connects me to real life

Raindrops inside because my sun

Rises on a stranger

And sets when I no longer hear his voice

My world you have become

Often referred to as a “deep interest”

When you have autism

Doctors have no idea how much an artist can change your world

And help you understand everything that your puzzle can’t grasp

A simple voice changes your perspective on life

Everything you can’t understand starts to make some sense

Through a song, or a book

Through someone you don’t even know

A stranger becomes my family

The pieces only fit, when it’s pieces of him

A stranger became my best friend

My blogs like letters written to him

A stranger became my sun

My comprehension rests on his music ability

A stranger has the characteristics of a boyfriend

The only one I can feel for

Because his music teaches me love

Autism is not a disability but an ability to see life through rare glasses

The inability to be selfish because I always see through another’s eyes

Both a gift and burden

You know you will never really grasp the people around you

But through another’s eyes I will grasp a way to understand them

All because he put his feelings in a song

And through in words my puzzle fits

So, his gift to me is comprehension through his voice and instruments

Deep interest is underrated

The sun in which my world revolves

The moon in which my stars align

The oxygen in which I take in too survive

Nick Jonas is my autism resolveunscramble edit

My Autism is different

I am not the good doctor

I am limited with my hands

I am like the good doctor

Skilled to remember things

I have autism similar to him

I have autism nothing like him

He is a character, I am a person though I am warming up to the show

Music comforts me

Meltdowns limit me

Music teaches me

Math stifles me

I am not Einstein numbers make no sense

I am Tierra, Nick Jonas teaches me emotions

I am sort of like Temple Grandin but

I am Tierra, my brain processes learning through music and literature, I do by recall, and I only recall through music, and literature, not so much visual images.

I do not learn by you showing me I learn by a step by step written explanation.

Einstein was brilliant and Temple is beautiful but I am Tierra and my autism is different, the spectrum is broad, no one is the same stop comparing me to people, I know understanding is your aim, but no autistic person is the same.

A straight line for my shoes, coded colors for my clothes, same food every day, same jacket year-round, winter hats in every season, gray jacket to every place I go, don’t freak out when I pace the floor, I’m thinking

Thinking is hard to do with the TV and the lights , talking is hard to do when day becomes night, stop yelling because I don’t comprehend, I’m not a child don’t give me a time out, just play Nick Jonas and help me find focus

Let my ears delight in a JFK presidential address

Let me feel through the music of Shawn Mendes

Let me wonder in the theories of Newton and Einstein

I am Tierra and my autism is different

Let me think about the black holes and the wonder of time and space

When I melt down use these things to help my mind find a safe place.

I am Tierra my Autism is different

When you scream

I cannot comprehend you when you scream at me .

As I pace my mind starts to race, I cannot stop there is no brake .

Steady you fuss , I cannot comprehend anything you say !

Mad and angry you get with me I stop and try to explain

But it seems it only makes sense in my brain .

My words come out a scramble then I break into a dream , a song by nick or a speech by Kennedy nothing else makes sense .

What’s wrong with you ,stop acting like that you scream at me and the comprehension you’ve so long lacked that I can’t understand you your voice makes no sense.

I turn to Mendes or cut on Jonas , please show me the emotion you are trying to show

You hold back my meds and say go too bed before I put you out

It’s a new day and I wake up with a swollen face not because you’ve hurt me but because your voice has made the impact .

I hate loud noise , I hate too much sound I need my meds to calm me down .

Stop talking to me ,do not touch me , leave me alone but you get mad and worry for my safety and commit me , just leave me alone

I cannot comprehend when you scream at me it just becomes a fit and my autism you see .

I am Autistic not retarded

I cannot find ways to talk sometimes and express my thoughts , writing gets everything out .

If I could write what’s in my head so much about me you’d understand .

Stop being offended when I can’t talk , I cannot tie my shoes , but I can write five page detailed papers on theology .

I am labeled retarded and people try to shame me , my thoughts move faster than the output of my words I cannot always speak what matches my thoughts I cannot hold a rag flat I have to ball it up

I see things differently

And I modify what you say

You talk and it’s a puzzle

I laugh at the wrong moments

I talk to you without ever looking at your face

I never leave my house unless it’s Wednesday

I hate noise

I hate crowds

I have a teddy bear

I hate things that are loud

Colors shouldn’t mix unless we are talking about race

Food shouldn’t touch unless it’s casserole

Ice cream tastes like milk milk I do not drink milk comes back up milk tastes to strong

Milk is in cheese no cheese for me please

I cannot tell time

I do not comprehend math

But I can write speeches presentable for presidents

Don’t get mad if I don’t talk it’s a task for me my ears are fine but your words are a puzzle

Scrambled as they come to me

I’m trying to fit the peices

Stop calling me retarded I am not retarded

I just see the world differently and sometimes have fits just give me a pen and paper so I can help you understand it .

I am autism

You speak and everything is in slow motion.

Yet nothing sounds clear .Your words sound like a robot through my ear .

You send instruction and await my behavioral composure in favor of what you’ve asked .

And I fail Everytime because words hit my ear and enter my mind the unscramble is a task .

No I’m not disobedient !

Yes I hear you ! My ears are not deaf ! Don’t scream ! No loud noises no loud noise I rock back and forth.

My thoughts are constantly rearranging as they flow from your mouth to my ears .

But in conversation you await an answer never knowing my mind is unscrambling the puzzle of your words to find it’s proper context .

It’s too late they are all irritated with my pace

Stop it i am not demonstrating incompetence .

I plead for your patience

I can’t tie my shoes , I cannot tell time , but when I write I own it it’s mine .

I try not to stress

But I turn into the hulk and nothing less .

Do not punish me I cannot comprehend your behavioral agression in this fit I’m in .

They label me retarded subjecting me to displays of humiliation , haha they laugh , she’s retarded , she is slow .But I know that black holes can capture light itself and I live for theories and books which makes your judgment inaccurate.

Stop it ! You’re mocking me .

I may not express tears or pain or distress but when you do those things I can match the word to the definition through memory recognition.

My mind can recall behaviors and emotions through songs or movies and provide context .

I cannot process a conversation all the time , so music , political speeches and literature capture and instruct my mind .

I have a theory , no solid proof but music seems for many an escape not for me .Music is an emotional teacher coaching me on what to display at the appropriate times .

A burst of emotion in every song , what a gift the artist like Shawn Mendes gives to me , a peak into his soul and a guide on how to feel . So grand is his gesture for me .

Because through his pitch and the instruments I learn a new emotion .

Usually numb in so many ways ,things now have meanings and I recognize them when they are displayed .

But meanings can be as extensive as the ocean until I have paper and pen and word by word I comprehend .

A guitar and a slow beat beauty and sadness

A piano ,heartache and madness .Listen closely to Nick Jonas and you can hear his soul and passion .

Political speeches intrigue me from them I learn compassion.Not through today’s politicians who do it for fashion ,arrogance and greed.

But politcians like Robert Kennedy is what we need he fought for the people and demanded action.

To the ghetto he went ,warned of violence , still he made the journey to deliver the news .MLK has been shot he said but he reasoned with the mourners , his brother was killed by a white man also he said .Black or white was not the issue he declared in that direction we could head but another solution he prepared love and unity would be the perservation of Justice in the time of hurt .

John F Kennedy tis no concern of the women he had but for me his beauty was the work he did .

A voice for all people , a hand to the poor , a king for America, and a brain for Washington.Hours , months ,days ,years I spent reading of him,listening to his speeches which flow so beautifully in my head .

I am autistic . Silent alot .

But in my silence where do I go ?

I drift to speeches , I soothe in music , I crave scientific theories the way a human needs food

It is easier for me to drift into a heavy focus than to listen to someone talk . When i drift there’s no scramble , when nick plays his music there no puzzle for me ,no anxiety .

But you command and demand ,your patience runs thin you become mean and your voice loud and my hulk comes out . Tis it is more soothing to drift in research then to try to comprehend so much sound.