You speak and everything is in slow motion.

Yet nothing sounds clear .Your words sound like a robot through my ear .

You send instruction and await my behavioral composure in favor of what you’ve asked .

And I fail Everytime because words hit my ear and enter my mind the unscramble is a task .

No I’m not disobedient !

Yes I hear you ! My ears are not deaf ! Don’t scream ! No loud noises no loud noise I rock back and forth.

My thoughts are constantly rearranging as they flow from your mouth to my ears .

But in conversation you await an answer never knowing my mind is unscrambling the puzzle of your words to find it’s proper context .

It’s too late they are all irritated with my pace

Stop it i am not demonstrating incompetence .

I plead for your patience

I can’t tie my shoes , I cannot tell time , but when I write I own it it’s mine .

I try not to stress

But I turn into the hulk and nothing less .

Do not punish me I cannot comprehend your behavioral agression in this fit I’m in .

They label me retarded subjecting me to displays of humiliation , haha they laugh , she’s retarded , she is slow .But I know that black holes can capture light itself and I live for theories and books which makes your judgment inaccurate.

Stop it ! You’re mocking me .

I may not express tears or pain or distress but when you do those things I can match the word to the definition through memory recognition.

My mind can recall behaviors and emotions through songs or movies and provide context .

I cannot process a conversation all the time , so music , political speeches and literature capture and instruct my mind .

I have a theory , no solid proof but music seems for many an escape not for me .Music is an emotional teacher coaching me on what to display at the appropriate times .

A burst of emotion in every song , what a gift the artist like Shawn Mendes gives to me , a peak into his soul and a guide on how to feel . So grand is his gesture for me .

Because through his pitch and the instruments I learn a new emotion .

Usually numb in so many ways ,things now have meanings and I recognize them when they are displayed .

But meanings can be as extensive as the ocean until I have paper and pen and word by word I comprehend .

A guitar and a slow beat beauty and sadness

A piano ,heartache and madness .Listen closely to Nick Jonas and you can hear his soul and passion .

Political speeches intrigue me from them I learn compassion.Not through today’s politicians who do it for fashion ,arrogance and greed.

But politcians like Robert Kennedy is what we need he fought for the people and demanded action.

To the ghetto he went ,warned of violence , still he made the journey to deliver the news .MLK has been shot he said but he reasoned with the mourners , his brother was killed by a white man also he said .Black or white was not the issue he declared in that direction we could head but another solution he prepared love and unity would be the perservation of Justice in the time of hurt .

John F Kennedy tis no concern of the women he had but for me his beauty was the work he did .

A voice for all people , a hand to the poor , a king for America, and a brain for Washington.Hours , months ,days ,years I spent reading of him,listening to his speeches which flow so beautifully in my head .

I am autistic . Silent alot .

But in my silence where do I go ?

I drift to speeches , I soothe in music , I crave scientific theories the way a human needs food

It is easier for me to drift into a heavy focus than to listen to someone talk . When i drift there’s no scramble , when nick plays his music there no puzzle for me ,no anxiety .

But you command and demand ,your patience runs thin you become mean and your voice loud and my hulk comes out . Tis it is more soothing to drift in research then to try to comprehend so much sound.

15 thoughts on “I am autism

  1. In my silence, I go to the far expanses of an endless Universe. In my silence, I see what lies in people’s hearts. When I speak, it is with the knowledge I’ve gleaned from watching. I, too, have been labeled- “stupid”, “schizoid”, “lame”, “slow”. One of those who used such a phrase got down on the floor, next to a Doberman pinscher, who was eating his meal. God bless the patient dog, who didn’t tear the fool apart.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Laina’s Collection – sharing Aspergian/autistic writing and commented:
    Amazing post! I found your blog through the great David Snape, and I’m really glad I did! I’ve got to share this post; it’s too good not to! 😊😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. i blog over at – do you mind if i share this? I may reblog it on my site directing traffic to you or post it on my fb page (again, directing traffic). Let me know what you think. Beautiful!


  4. I have a cousin who’s autistic and I can’t help but see through his eyes as I read this. It sings with a kind of joy which lets out a great power. Letting people know those who are autistic can do anything. 🙂


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